My children sometimes surprise me with a plate of snacks or a cup of tea. Initially, I would gratefully receive them and thank them for thinking of me. After a while, I began to casually hint at what I might like to receive as a treat or love gift - a glass of fruit juice or water or some fruit rather than biscuits or sweets would be the best gifts. Sometimes they would treat me with what I would prefer but more often they would treat me with things they would like to eat. This is not surprising, as it is easier to think about what we would like to receive than it is to think of what the other person would like to receive.
This caused me to think and talk to them about love. Love does not give what it would enjoy receiving but considers what the other person would like or need and gives that to them. John 3:16 tells us that because of His love for us, God gave us what we needed even though it was a great sacrifice. Jesus encourages us to love our neighbours as ourselves (see Matthew 22:39). One way to do this is to consider how we would like to be loved and then love our neighbours that way. When I think about how I would like to be loved, it is not about what I receive, it is about the heart behind the way I am treated. I want to be seen and valued. Jesus encourages and helps me to see and value others and treat them accordingly.
1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love is not selfish or self-seeking or does not seek its own way (depending on the translation you use). Self-seeking love cannot move itself out of the way to be neighbour-seeking. Self-seeking love is very aware of what it wants and needs and this eclipses the needs and wants of others. Self-seeking love wants to feel good about giving gifts but is not others-seeking enough to be motivated to try to give a gift that would make the recipient feel good.
I illustrated this point by one day telling one of my daughters I had made her a wonderful treat. I plated up some olives and excitedly presented them to her. However, this daughter detests olives. She was not impressed with the 'gift' and struggled to receive it as a treat. I innocently exclaimed, "But, I love olives!", and happily tucked in. My daughter just stared at me, processing what was unfolding. I laughed as I explained again that love gives what the other person wants and needs, not what it would like to receive. I then gave her something I knew she would enjoy. She better understood how to give the best gifts through this playful practical example.
There are two lessons here. First, we can consider whether we are giving to those we love what we want from them rather than considering what would benefit them. Second, it is okay to let people know what our preferences are. We all have a lot to learn about being loving, but it is also important for us to let people know what we want and need - especially as parents who spend so much time giving. By gracefully letting people who love us know what we want and need we give them the opportunity to choose to love us better. We teach our children they deserve to be loved by loving them and by loving ourselves enough to help others love us well.
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